“sometimes I wonder if we are experiencing those final moments before death our entire lifetime”

“…questioning everything around death, including whether or not it's already happening, or may have already happened without us even having the capacity to realize it”

“Another big mood w(ith) questioning everything around death, including whether or not it's already happening or may have already happened without us even having the capacity to realize it” [Sutton] expressed to me that the fear of death is deeply rooted in the unknown. This was expressed to me in response to “sometimes I wonder if we are experiencing those final moments before death our entire lifetime”. In my experience, working closely with many walks of life from differing cultures, religions, and customs, I have learned we all have one thing in common; Whether it be curiosity, lack of understanding, or it be sadness or fear surrounding death, we all go through many, if not all, of those feelings and more through our own lifetime.

But when the fear of death gets in the way of living, we learn a series of survival skills often needing to be unlearned. Often, psychiatric and other medical doctors will work through a combination of therapies to figure out the root cause of the anxiety, and medication trial (and sometimes error) to treat symptoms, will aid in figuring out what works best for each individual. The paralyzing, life prohibiting fear becomes a phobia when the following symptoms/behaviours become chronic:

The DSM-5 explains criteria for a fear becoming a phobia:

• "Marked fear or anxiety about a specific object or situation.

• The phobic object or situation almost always provokes immediate fear or anxiety.

• The fear or anxiety is out of proportion to the actual danger posed by the specific object or situation and to the sociocultural context.

• The phobic object or situation is actively avoided or endured with intense fear or anxiety.

• The fear, anxiety, or avoidance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

• The fear, anxiety, or avoidance is persistent, typically lasting for 6 months or more.

• The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder, including fear, anxiety, and avoidance of situations associated with panic-like symptoms or other incapacitating symptoms; objects or situations related to obsessions; reminders of traumatic events; separation from home or attachment figures; or social situations."[1]

“ ...some people are afraid of how they'll die or what the afterlife might be like, but I don't have either of those fears. My brain can't wrap itself around the concept of an afterlife and just sees the "after" the same way it sees what came before: complete non-existence. That's the part that's always terrified me to my core .”

Often times, trauma, a brush with death in the family, or a near death experience can trigger dormant thanatophobia that is quietly laying beneath the surface of the average persons fear of the unknown. We can often wonder if our early brushes with death, or early childhood death related conversations can have an effect on the way we view death indefinitely. When I talked to Sutton about their early experiences involving death and dying, I was able to draw comparisons from my early experiences with death, and their experiences that may have made a difference in the perspective they have over death and dying.

While I came to the following few points, I wanted to ask Sutton about their childhood and educational run-ins with death.

Our experiences surrounding death have differed in ways that I would believe to cause a significant perspective shift on death and dying in different individuals.

Sutton	Jane
Suffered loss of a Grandmother young​	Even in 2023, both of sets of grandparents are still with me
Questioned if parents recovered from their own losses	Death was viewed as an "open door” conversation, ask questions? Get answers.
Uncertain of an afterlife	Hopeful of an afterlife

I believe even these three differences are good examples of nature vs. nurture and how they might affect someones perspective, or feelings on such a widely feared, and taboo topic. I remember growing up being infatuated with all of the creepy things. Abandoned, haunted, crime scenes alike, they’re all of interest to me, then and now. But for someone who experiences mental/emotional and physical discomfort due to thanataphobia, those scenarios may be potential triggers for a rollercoaster of feelings. Sutton described many of the feelings associated with the episode of sorts that might occur, but also mentioned that specific triggers were hard to identify.

"The existential nature of my thanatophobia makes triggers hard to figure out. The panic often comes up for no reason at all, which doesn't help, though there are definitely times when it's more likely to hit me (at night when trying to fall asleep and after seeing a movie in a theatre are common ones. Not really sure why, though thinking about it more now, it could have something to do with my brain winding down after feeling ALIVE)”

After asking Sutton if they believed that there was a way for children, teens and adolescents to be spoken to, or educated on the death and dying process that would be less likely to contribute to an anxiety or a phobia about the topic later on in life, our answers contrast significantly. My understanding of Sutton’s response is that every person is different and would be or could be affected differently based on chemistry alone. I agree with them, but I do believe the open and honest, and often humorous approach my family took on the conversation led me to being so comfortable with the taboo topic.

Regardless of the matter one was spoken to about the topic of death, dying and bereavement, I am left to believe that we don’t live in society that is comfortable talking about the tough topic as in depth as we could, or should. Upon entering the business of deathcare I quickly learned that the conversation of death and dying was even a taboo topic or an awkward “birds and the bees” type conversation for the survivors left behind. While we have the means to educate and comfort one another, we oftentimes don’t look inward to relate to emotionally challenging situations, nor do we relish the opportunity to initiate hard or uncomfortable conversations that make us feel a sense of uneasiness and vulnerability with one another in day to day life. Our lack of education, and lack of speakable knowledge leaves many people in the dark when they are forced to confront a fear such as death or loss.

Death is inevitable, and the only thing that is certain, is there is a place for all of us where the sky meets the sea.

We will no longer reside in "the in-between."