"seriously jane, again?" she says to me"
I know, I know. I did it again, I ate shit. I let them in to take what they wanted and leave, but I suppose thats the first step of swallowing your pride. What if you saw something in someone who broke all the rules? Would you walk away from what seemed to be a sign of promise? Maybe there's a sign I'm still missing because the sign I thought I saw is missing the promise of tomorrow.
"aren't you tired?"
i look down, close my eyes, before looking straight up at the cab light. the tears subside one more time before I look at her and remain silent with a smile on my face.
silence speaks louder than words, so we sit for a moment betting silently on who will speak first. but the silence is uncomfortable when the questioner already knows the answer. I take a moment before throwing up everything previously swallowed.
I'm bled dry, really, i am. but when you find beauty in broken youre willing to gaze at it a lltle longer. you make excuses for the absences, the miscommunications and the lack of try. you'll allow them to say you're the problem, that the abscences were entirely on you. Until you learn about the two way street that is give and take. I let them go believing that I knew it was my faut they walked. I swallowed my pride for someone who said I wouldn't need to.
so yes, I'm tired. I'm tired of doing more for love than I ever recieve, but my heart remains soft in anticipation of something gentle in return.
"i can feel your heartache in words left unspoken"
so i keep going, l've got a lot to say now that i've started, and god forbid someone feel my heartache.
"but- isn't it kind of beautiful? to see enough in someone to bide your time in silence, grow and become better for you and them? It is. I'm learing now more than ever to sit with my faults and feelings because while beautiful to grow and get better with someone in mind it is less beautiful to tarnish and age your heart for someone who wouldn't return the favour.
"the hardest lesson i've learned is a lesson on putting someone in your will that wouldnt."
In unfortunate events where I'm left swallowing my pride like a shot, i'm wrapped up in the should've, could've and would'ves. I should have asked more, I should have "just done it" i should've said less. I could have said more earlier but it wouldn't have held any weight till the end. the end is the part where I let you walk. I have so much to tell you, so much to be proud of, and yet not being better in time to tell you, or see you, or go on that date you thought we needed.
I wanted to see a proud look on your face from across the bar. Instead- that opportunity slipped through the fingers you used to play with.
how unfortunate all of my wins should be accompanied by loss.
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